Inspired my a teen pop star....

Its often that through music my life becomes inspired. Of course this usually happens at obscure times of the day like tonight.... 1:30AM! I was talking facebooking a friend to make plans for tomorrow and we talked about maybe watching the Hannah Montana movie... we're both in our mid 20s and yet we think its a really cool idea.... ANYWAY! I had downloaded the song a few weeks ago and I was listening (ACTUALLY LISTENING) to the lyrics tonight as I was finishing up some emails. Heres where the inspiration came.... I had just sent a message to this guy I know of who speaks to teens. He shares some of his personal life story with them and tries to help give them guidance in hopes that with the information he gives them they will make better choices with their lives. As I read a little bio on this guy who speaks at all over the nation I realized something.....

I can and think I really want to do the SAME sort of thing. I mean after all I have had a crazy life that I know could help others. I know that if I began to tell "my story" it could help a people, especially young people. The things is... its really scary to take that step and say that i want to share "my story".... the voice inside my head says that I can't because people will judge me, it tells me that there is no way I could ever have the strength and courage to stand and speak out. Every time I think about it I feel like I have no idea how to even start, lost with no direction. There always seems to be a new thing that gets in the way and I often lack the strength to push through those moments. I often feel like every time I gain a little ground something else comes and hits me and knocks me for a loop and too often I just sit there and don't try to get right back up.

Well... this song helped bring something back to the forefront of my mind.... "there's always gonna be another mountain.... I'm always gonna wanna make it move... " but "it's the climb" so I have to "keep the faith".... In other words..... I have to STOP letting the things that hold me back have so much control over how I live and I need to not just 'almost" see this dream that I have been dreaming but prepare to SEE the whole thing and expect for it to come true right before my eyes. After all what's the point in dreaming if you're not at least HOPING something AMAZING will happen?!?!? =)

(Here are the lyrics in case anyone hasn't heard the song yet)

The Climb lyrics
Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J;

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

Cha- Cha - Changes.....

Wow its been over a year since my last post. Life is COMPLETELY different!

Nothing in life is the same in anyway... this is so weird!

A year ago I was spending a lot of time on my couch as I tried to recover from one of the scariest moments of my life. Last July I was the victim of an accident with a hit and run drunk driver. I was on my way home from a friend's house and it was very late at night (early in the morning). As I approached an intersection I had the right of way (the green light) so I kept going straight. Out of the corner of my eye I could see this truck coming at me the next thing I knew the truck was speeding away and my car was still spinning. As I got out of the car to check out the damage I quickly realized that I was in way more pain than I thought I was and my "knight in shining armor" came to my rescue and took me to the ER. I tried to be tough for the first 4-5 days after the accident pretending that I was ok and that I wasn't hurt that bad but when I went to pick up a 5 lb juice container and cried because I was in so much pain the doctor sent me to PT and bed rest. I was in tons of pain and all I kept thinking was.... oh no... I have to get better... I'm going to AMSTERDAM and I want to get back to my class. I was given permission to fly and was allowed to go on the trip. Good thing because that trip... although EXTREMELY painful at times was LIFE CHANGING for me. It was a time in my life when i realized.... man I really need to not be so afraid of who I want to be. (Even now as I write this I miss the person I had become on that trip... somehow I let her slip away from me....)

My return from the Netherlands and back in to real life was a strange adjustment. I wanted to be back in the Netherlands almost daily for at least 3 months. I missed everything about it... but I loved the people in my life here state side. I had good friends in every area of my life but I really wanted to go back to the place where I had experienced and felt so free. The next few months were a crazy whirlwind of emotions and decisions. My boss was getting on my case for things that weren't even true, I was no longer truly happy with what I was doing with my life and I felt the need to be challenged with something new. My heart and my mind would race all day and night. One weekend around Christmas time I decided to go visit my family. While visiting I figured I would go check out this church a friend of mine had started (The Point... www.pointwestbury.com). He asked me during that visit if I would like to come work with them. I wasn't really sure what to think or say really because he had joked so many times in the past about this, but I couldn't help but think, maybe this is the change I need? A few weeks past and all of the sudden I found out that he was VERY serious about his offer. I was flattered but I was very content in my complacent non challenged world I was living in besides I liked the people I lived with and the friends/ family I had around me. Little did I know that by Valentine's day I would be waiting for a phone interview and writing a resume. February 18th my boss lied about a few things and had me written up with the human resource director, I left work (only 3 hrs after my shift started) in tears. On my way home I stopped by the church I had attended for the past 8 years and prayed with a few of the sweetest older ladies. I spent the day with a great friend... we bought new CHUCK TAYLORS (converse... sneakers), had some lunch and watches FIREPROOF (which btw is a GREAT movie). I felt a lot better than I had when I left work. I went in the next day and did my job the best I could and just loved the kids and staff that I got to work with. That night just as I was getting ready for bed my phone rang and I was told that I got the job. I was so excited... the whole next month with packing and saying my goodbyes and talking about this new adventure just flew by!!! Before I knew it March 14th (moving day) had arrived!

And then it set in FEAR!!! I was leaving the only world I had ever known as an adult. My safety net, my home, my friends, my co workers, my people who became life family... I was leaving it all behind. Sure I was moving "home" as some people might call it, but it was a place that had been filled with a lot of pain and hurt. The past was something that was easy to move beyond and be happy and healthy when it wasn't staring me right in the face day after day... but now it was going to be there all the time. Its not that I wasn't excited about the changes that were happening. I was so thrilled that they would even want me to be a part of such an awesome team of people, but I was TERRIFIED. How could I move on in life and move past all these things that were staring me down? I felt like a baby with a dirty diaper... just like the baby... I knew the diaper was dirty and I didn't want it on me anymore but I couldn't figure out how to change the diaper, I needed help just like a baby would, but I AM STUBBORN just like a lot of babies. So stubborn that I often neglect and ever REFUSE to ask for help. The last 4 months have been me trying to deal with the past full of so much garbage and stuff all while trying to enjoy being in a place where things are so amazing! Its like the man who lives in the trailer at the junk yard.... I mean he his surrounded by trash and yet somehow he survives and I bet he even smiles sometimes.... well... some days very honestly... I struggle to smile.... but I am trying so hard to RE FIND that part of me that I found in the NETHERLANDS ... because I sure miss the Netherlands Kat... she had passion and a great out look on things.... (at least I think she did)

Hope that wasn't TOO honest for my first blogg back!!!!

AM I?

Where are you the voices cry out?
How long will it take for someone to answer?
Will you sacrifice so that others may know true life?
How can you continue to ignore the cry of these desperate lives?

Their hands are stretched out asking for help.
They do not know what they need they just know they can’t do it on their own.
Their hearts are broken and empty just like their pockets and lives.
They just want what you keep telling people you have in you.

Where are you the voices cry out?
How long will it take for someone to answer?
Will you sacrifice so that others may know true life?
How can you continue to ignore the cry of these desperate lives?

You just keep going into that building and getting more for you.
Never realizing that they might need your help.
You continue to be a chameleon and just blend into your situations.
Not understanding that they are waiting for you to respond.

Where are you the voices cry out?
How long will it take for someone to answer?
Will you sacrifice so that others may know true life?
How can you continue to ignore the cry of these desperate lives?

They need someone who will give their everything.
Their lives need to be impacted by something great.
They want something more than the riches of gold and silver.
Their hearts are beating and crying out.

Where are you the voices cry out?
How long will it take for someone to answer?
Will you sacrifice so that others may know true life?
How can you continue to ignore the cry of these desperate lives?

You just sit there acting like you cannot hear it anymore.
Becoming cold to the voices and faces that flash before your eyes.
You just let them die and don’t even make and effort or try.
Believing you are doing all you can because you still believe some of those lies.

Where are you the voices cry out?
How long will it take for someone to answer?
Will you sacrifice so that others may know true life?
How can you continue to ignore the cry of these desperate lives?

They can’t wait anymore, will you listen please?
Their worlds are crashing down, will you do something new?
They need what you have hidden inside, will you fall to your knees?
Their hearts cry out for love, will you assemble a crew?

Where are you the voices cry out?
How long will it take for someone to answer?
Will you sacrifice so that others may know true life?
How can you continue to ignore the cry of these desperate lives?

You need to dust off the book of possibilities and start making them realities.
No longer holding back but doing all you can to impact their worlds.
You need to live your live the way it was intended to be lived with purpose.
Not letting the best of you die like you have some many times before.

Where are you the voices cry out?
How long will it take for someone to answer?
Will you sacrifice so that others may know true life?
How can you continue to ignore the cry of these desperate lives?

If you hear it answer it faster than you respond to those texts and email.
The need is so much greater than the amount of people willing to go.
If it beats in your heart and mind stop ignoring it and do something.
The passion burns deep and it never goes away so be active in your listening.

Where are you the voices cry out?
How long will it take for someone to answer?
Will you sacrifice so that others may know true life?
How can you continue to ignore the cry of these desperate lives?

(But Am I Willing To Listen For The Cry?)

Grasping Some Sort of Understanding

The last few weeks, months have been a time of "transition" in my life and some of that transition has been really amazing and really great but other moments have been really hard. I've been doing a lot of "growing up" in the last few years but the last few months have been like a growth spirt. I remember when I was a kid and I was growing how much pain that caused sometimes and that doesn't change now even though its not physical. A few years ago someone (who I respect) told me that God was going to "mature me." For a while there I thought, ok dude, what kind of cheap crack are you smoking and what are you talking about. It wasn't until now, almost 2 years later where I know and understand what he was saying. This change has been happening slowly for the last two years until recently. I have developed this sence of who I am and who I am supposed to be and I know that for such a long time I was holding back. to be slightly corny and quote some disney characters.... "he's holding back he's hiding but what I can't deside, why won't he be the king I know he is the king I see inside... so many things to tell her, but what I can't deside, the truth about my past, impossible, she's turn away from me." Now I know Simba is a boy and I know the things he was running from are different than what I have been "running" from but still. I help back for so long and hid away behind things because I didn't think that I was talented enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough, or anything enough to do the things I felt like I wanted to and could do. There have been so many things I have wanted to say to people but have just been to afraid to say it, mostly because I thought people would turn away from me. And now as I sit in this room where so many of the changes in my life had taken place I can't help but think... ITS TIME. Its time to rise up like my lion friend and face that challenge no matter how terrifying it might be, because I learned some pretty amazing things today.

1- I am never alone, even when I feel completely alone.
2- 40 days in a desert with no food or water is something I can and will survive as long as my focus is in the right place.
3- What would you do if there was nothing holding you back?
4- ROMANS 8:29 (The Message) "...God knew what He was doing from the very begining..."

So... now that I have grasped some sort of understanding I am looking forward to what there is instore for my crazy future. I know that some days will be harder than others and there may even be moments when I feel horrible but... I'm going to try to keep that understanding running through my mind. Simba got up to the mountain top... and so will I!

Soaking In the Moments

Seriously this weekend was so awesome... I am going to be soaking in the moments even in my sleep! =0) So awesome!

At the same time I wonder why we continue to allow our lives to be so screwed up by such stupid stuff. We do things that end up tearing apart our lives and we pass them off as things that are ok. Some of those things are innocent or so they seem but they have an affect on us and we sometimes have no idea until it is too late. This weekend I got the opportunity to talk about some of that trash. I talked about why I did some of the things I have done in the past and talked about the stupid stuff that gets in the way of me living the life that I want to live. It was so awesome. And then as the tears flooded my eyes and I let go, I began to remember that there was so much more to life.

And now... I don't want to be tied down by the dumb stuff... so.... instead I am...... Soaking in the Moments!

Myspace inspiration?!?!?

Who would have thought that MYSPACE could inspire someone to think deeply? Today as I spent my day off relaxing and enjoying just being able to do pretty much NOTHING I read a few bullitens on Myspace which were posted by friends form all different walks of life. Some of the bullitens were surveys, others were "chain letters" the whole if you don't repost this you will never find love thing, and then there was this one.....

This may make you stop and think... very true

Why do we sleep in church,but when the ceremony is over we suddenly wake up?
Why is it so hard to talk about God,but so easy to talk about sex?
Why are we so bored when we look at a Christian magazine,but find it easy to read Playboy?Why is it so easy to ignore a Godly myspace message,Yet we repost the nasty ones?
Why are churches getting smaller,But bars and clubs are growing?
Think about it, are you going to repost this?
Are you going to ignore it, cause you think you'll get laughed at?
Just remember God is always watching you.
The Lord said: "If you deny me in front of your friends, I will deny you in front of my father".


Repost this as "Mature Eyes Only."90% of you won't repost this

My mind shifted back to some of the conversations I had yesturday and I began to think... what are we doing? We (christians that is) have this amazing thing to tell the world about and we ofen sit so consumed by everything else and so fearful of what others might say or thing about us that we don't share this amazing secret with the world. I too am guilty of not telling others, but its not just a matter of speaking about HIM and who He is and how AMAZING He is to us even though we deserve death.

Look at that bulliten, its about our actions, our reactions, our behavior, its about who we allow ourselves to become. We forget so often about the most important things in life and then we excuse it away by saying that we are too busy or that its ok, I've only had a few. We sit around in our homes with people we love and care about and forget that there is a lost and dying world wanting to know what we hold so deep inside of us. We drive around in our cars and go places and move on and on in our lives all the while leaving people who need some direction completely lost. We go to work and ignore the people around us because GOD forbid they ask us about our weekend, we'd have to either quickly come up with a lie or tell them about the amazing things that GOD did this weekend, like when He showed up at church, or when He took away the pain you were feeling that the doctors couldn't figure out. We walk right by people who just simply need for us to smile to brighten thier day.

What in the world are we doing? To be Christian means to follow after CHRIST. I know its a tuff walk and I mess up all the time, daily, but we need to keep trying.


I borrowed a CD form someone once and it was a mixed CD that he had made, I do not know the name of the song but every now and then a line from that song sticks out in my mind... "I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well, I am seeing in me now the things you swear you saw yourself." Now I don't know if its a "christian" song or even who wrote it, but I do know that, I am FLAWED, but, I am cleaning up real well, and you know what else, I am able to see in me now those things that HE sees.

So what did I do with the challenge of the Myspace bulliten?!?!? Well... I reposted it, and then I thought about it and how much it challenged my life and then... well... then.... (this)

Final.. so Final....

I was at a training for work the other day and the guy running the training was talking to us about how we need to find the things that we have in common with the kids we work with so that we can relate. He went on to ask us what we all had in common. As we all racked our brains (which we hadn't used much that day) we came up with things like, we all have eyes, and he corrected us and gave us the right answer. He told us that the simplest thing was this, we were all born, and we will all die. My "dad" likes to remind me once in a while "we're all gonna die." Although it is humorous, especially the way he says it and why he says it, it is so final and so...well.. final.
As I sit and think of all the things that happen in life I think about those who were taken from this life. Some have been taken too soon in our simple human minds and that's sad on a whole new level, but I trust that heaven needed to be a little brighter and we needed to learn things from them in life and in death. I have learned from those people how to appreciate life more and to love those around me while I have the opportunity to do so. Then there are those who live a fairly long life they are given the blessing of becoming not only grandparents but great grandparents as well. And yet somehow those when they are taken from us make us just as sad as the young people. We can't seem to be ok with the fact that they lived long and prosperous lives and now thier time is up and they are most of the time ready to go. They have taught us things like how to put on make up, how to make the bed, how to fluff a pillow, and how to make grampa smile. They lived a pretty decent and long life and then they were stricken with cancer or thier hearts began to fail and they made peace with God and death and took it on like a real champ, and we, those who love them so dearly sit and wait and watch and morn for years. And all the while they were trying to teach us... "we're all gonna die... live life while you can and don't be sad in my passing... let others know you love them and let me go and walk the streets of the heavens, don't worry you'll join me soon, because as its been stated... we're all gonna die!!!" And yet we still miss them so much so often... is that wrong? I guess not?!?!?
That being said... its been 5 years (tomorrow 4-8) since yeah... and well... I miss you Grammy... thats all... i just simply miss you!
(Till we meet again on those streets of Gold, save me a spot you owe me a walk like we used to when i was a kid, rest in peace grammy, b/c we're all gonna die and we're comin to see you... and well.... the Jman too duh)